


Tonight Will be Different

by nazyalenskyism



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, I don’t know what to tag this, just two people scared of love, nikolai and zoya, zoyalai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:27:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25616626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazyalenskyism/pseuds/nazyalenskyism
Summary: What happens when you lay all your cards on the table?
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Tonight Will be Different

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so any feedback would really be appreciated! I hope you enjoy it.

“Nikolai, pass me the letters from Adrik,” Zoya said distractedly, her eyes focused on the lopsided pile of papers before her, her voice sweet music to Nikolai’s ears. 

He glanced at her, he couldn’t help it. In the rare moments where he lost his focus, his eyes gravitated back to the soft lines of her face, admiring steady calm radiating from her. Only he noticed the slight set to her shoulders, the barest purse of her lips, the smallest furrow of her brow that meant that her armor was in place. This was him and Zoya at their usual, next to one another, working, quiet and at peace. If this was them, then why did this moment feel off?

In the weeks since he’d privately announced his engagement to his closest confidants, Tolya, Tamar, Genya, David, and of course, Zoya, forever Zoya, her demeanor had changed. If he hadn’t known her as well as he did, if he had been a less intelligent man, like the Kings before him, he wouldn’t have noticed anything off about her actions, but Nikolai was nothing if not perceptive, especially when it came to his general. It didn’t appear that she was dissatisfied, she had been the one encouraging his engagement, and she still teased him as she always did, but she slipped away from solo conversations with him, spoke less when he’d turn to her for her thoughts. He’d known that she’d changed in the fold, the glint of silver slitted eyes in the dark had more than alerted him to that, as had her behaviour. He only wished that she would talk to him, that she would open up about what had changed or how it was affecting her. He knew it was just wishful thinking though, his commander, like him, rarely let down her walls, and the one time Nikolai had been fortunate enough to see the Zoya that stood behind them, had been moments before everything changed. 

“Nikolai,” Zoya repeated, glancing up from her papers at last, peering over at him. “Did you hear me?” 

Zoya saw Nikolai blink, as though she had interrupted his thinking, as he slowly handed her the documents she’d asked for. He’d been like this ever since they’d ventured back from the fold. She didn’t know what had changed, only that he seemed less at ease when she was around than he once had, evident in the way that he never quite looked directly into her eyes, or how he drummed his fingers against his knees in the pattern of 4-3-2-1 when she was around. Well, at least she assumed it was only when she was around, much of the time that used to be dedicated to the two of them, working in quiet harmony had now been dedicated by Nikolai to charming his new fiancée. To anyone else, it would not seem out of the ordinary, it would appear that they were sharing an regular moment in their relationship as King and Commander. But if this was them, why did today feel so different, as had every day since Nikolai’s announcement?

As she pulled her lingering gaze from him, and turned back to her work, she heard him clear his throat. Zoya ignored him, trying to quiet her mind and focus on the task at hand. Nikolai cleared his throat again, upping the volume, trying to catch her attention. Zoya ignored him again, irritation nipping at her. Every other time she’d attempted to start a legitimate conversation with him lately, he would pull out some excuse, needing to see his fiancé, or needing to speak to Genya or David or Tolya or Tamar or absolutely anyone who was not her about some unimportant matter or another. She knew she had been drifting away from him as well, how could she not? With him hovering around Ehri in his free time, effectively eliminating the moments she spent at his side in the confines of his rooms, the only place she could afford to sit at ease, to let her walls down in the slightest, she had no where else to turn to. She only wished to he would actually talk to her, but she was too stubborn to give in to whatever he was trying to do now. 

Nikolai tried to catch his general’s attention for what felt like the umpteenth time, while she did nothing so much as blink at the noises he made. This was the longest they’d spent together, alone since they’d returned to the palace, and he was starting to feel the pressure on his chest that he’d been able to avoid, so long as he avoided her. The weight threatened to crush him, the things he had barely acknowledged rising closer and closer to the surface every moment her spent in her presence. He knew that if he didn’t distract himself with something soon, he would erupt with unspoken sentiments. Sentiments that he couldn’t afford to spill. Not now, not ever. 

Nikolai thumbed his chin in contemplation, maybe.... maybe if he voiced one of his thoughts, it would be enough to relieve some of the pressure and bar all the other thoughts from being expelled. His mind was a machine, constantly in motion, and when assessing all possible routes of action, he felt in the pit of his chest that this had to be the most beneficial. One small truth in exchange for peace, that was a good trade off, was it not? He cleared his throat again, but this time he commanded her attention, “Zoya, I need to speak with you.”

Zoya stiffened, even moreso than before, her shoulders stiff and her breath stifled. As she slowly turned, her sapphire eyes flickered with a short-lived flame of curiosity, quickly smothered by the usual fire that they held, a constant challenge to whomever dared to look her way. 

“Yes, Nikolai?” She asked tightly, pursing her lips, as though he had torn her away from something worth her attention in exchange for something mundane. Nikolai wet his lips, for once in his life he felt like he hadn’t thought a plan through enough. What was he supposed to say now? He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t think of anything to say, so he quickly snapped it shut, lost in his head, digging for the right words, something that should come naturally to him. He saw Zoya peering at him from the corner of his eye, there was a hint of concern in her gaze, she knew this was not ordinary behavior for him, that he rarely acted this way, but she also knew that saying anything of this magnitude would offended him, so she waited for him to formulate his next sentence. 

“Zoya, I... I wish things didn’t have to be this way,” Nikolai breathed out at last, hoping that this admission was sufficient enough to lift the weight. It was not. 

Zoya’s eyes narrowed at him, and she managed to ground out, “I’m afraid I don’t understand, what do you mean?” She felt herself tense, her muscles coiling at his words. What the hell was he playing at? 

“Zoya, I...” Oh saints.... did he sound pained? Zoya felt alarm tugging at her chest, was something wrong? Was this why he’d been avoiding her? He wasn’t one to run away from his problems, but maybe, just maybe, if whatever he was struggling with was too daunting—

“Zoya, I just mean that this is an unfavorable situation, with the Darkling back, the wedding coming up soon, and my father exposing the circumstances of my birth on the horizon, I don’t blame you for taking a step back.” 

Taking a step back? Taking a step back? Zoya wanted to scream; she was as devoted this as she had ever been, how dare he imply that she was afraid of impending doom? She felt Juris’ voice in her mind, ‘how dare he question your fealty. It would do him well for you to teach him a lesson. To show him your strength.’ 

Zoya shook her head, pushing his voice aside, and instead of complying, she forced all of her anger into her reply, “if you think I’m taking a step back, maybe you should find a new confidant. Perhaps your future wife, who will be able to hang on to your every word and hold your hand whenever things are too scary for you, your highness.” Zoya injected every word with venom, feeling the iciness of her tone lace with the pure fury she felt burn inside her at his words. She clenched her hands beneath the table, fingernails imprinting crescents into her skin as she tried as hard as possible to refrain from doing something treasonous. She had never wanted to throttle him more. 

“Zoya.” Nikolai somehow looked tired, confused and verging on angry all at once. “I simply meant that I know you’ve been pulling away, I was only wondering if this was the cause. And for your information, if I wanted another ‘confidant’ then I wouldn’t be here with you, now would I?” It took everything in Nikolai to stop himself from firing back in the same way she had. He knew he deserved her rage, yet he could not lose her over something as small as this. Yet, his tone was biting, a King reprimanding his subjects, no matter how sharp their tongues. Nikolai felt everything bubbling up again, he couldn’t contain this anymore, his chest felt like it was going to burst.

“I think it’s time to retire for the night,” Zoya intoned, her face devoid of emotion. “Good night.” She picked herself up, as elegant as ever, turning towards the door. Nikolai felt emotion overtake him, dictating his actions before his mind could catch up. He snagged her wrist, below her new amplifiers, his chest heaving as he anchored her in place. He saw Zoya’s nose flare, but before she could utter a word, Nikolai felt the floodgates open. He had not planned for this outcome. He was at the mercy of his heart, not his mind as he began to speak. 

“I always wanted to marry for love. I knew it would never be a reality, but I hoped that perhaps, even if it was political, maybe I could come to care for her before we wed. I hoped that I could be happy with Alina, that we’d come to love each other someday, but she never had eyes for anyone but her tracker. Lately, I’d been putting off marriage, though I couldn’t figure out why I was avoiding it, I am not one to shy away from a problem, but I could not face this.”

Zoya only studied him, her face devoid of emotion, impassive as he usually was. Oh how the tables had turned. He couldn’t stop himself now, he was a meteor, hurtling towards the earth, out of all control. He drew in a large breath before continuing. “My duty has always been to Ravka, and I know it better than I know my own heart. It was my first love but I do not want it to be my last. I— I’ve already taken steps towards fixing the situation but— there are still some loose threads that must be taken care of and—“

“Nikolai,” Zoya interrupted tightly, “what are you saying?” Nikolai froze, realizing the hole he’d dug himself into. He felt himself reach up, knuckles brushing her soft skin as he carefully tucked a stray lock of ebony hair behind her ear. Zoya’s breath caught, her eyes glued to him as he slowly drew his hand back to his side. What was he doing? Zoya felt them treading near dangerous territory but she couldn’t stop herself from venturing out further after him. 

“I’ve ended my engagement with Ehri.” Nikolai whispered, as though the softness would help lessen the blow. He’d gone and done something she would’ve said no to. He hadn’t consulted her. He’d left her out. Again. Zoya felt her defenses rise, she was ready to lash out, at what, she didn’t know, but his betrayal stung her over and over again tonight, and she could not take it any more. The moment she tried to yank her wrist free of Nikolai, he pulled her closer to his chest, until they were only a breath apart. Zoya’s eyes flitted to his, fire burning in her eyes, in her veins, on her skin where his fingers clutched at her, burning her again and again. 

“Nazyalensky. Zoya. Zoya. Zoya.” Nikolai croaked, his body numb, his mind reeling. He was going to do this. In the course of the night, he’d thrown every sensible part of himself out the window and submitted to his heart. His steadfast, foolish, uncompromising heart. 

“Zoya, you are the only one who loves this country as much as I do. You are the only one who lays your life on the line, again and again for this country alongside me. You have grown into a leader, one of the best I’ve ever seen, and you have proven time and time again that you are worthy of leading this country into the future. “

“Yes Nikolai, I figured you’d thought as much, given as you hired me,” Zoya bit out. She felt the ground under her feet loosen. Her king was about to risk everything they’d worked so hard on for what? Sentiment? She had to stop this before he ruined everything. She had to save the country and him from himself. Panic rose in her chest, she knew Nikolai wasn’t going to stop, not if he had already gotten this far, and she scrambled to find a way to end this.

“No, Zoya, what I’m trying to say is....” he slid his fingers from her wrist, grasping her hand, intertwining his long, nimble fingers with hers, clutching onto her hand as though it could keep him afloat as his words pooled around them. “Zoya, I need to know, I must know, if you could ever stomach the idea of ruling beside me. Of being my queen, Ravka’s queen, ruling alongside me.” Zoya felt the waves crash against her, threatening to knock her back, but she stood her ground. Her mind reeled, she couldn’t grasp a single coherent thought. Ringing echoed through her ears as she did the only thing she could think of to remedy the situation. 

“Haha, very funny Nikolai, are you done now?” Zoya chided, rolling her eyes and huffing out a breath. She saw Nikolai’s brows knit together in confusion, his emotions playing on his face, something that rarely happened, “ Zoya, I’m not joking. In every way except being crowned, you are already a queen. There is no one else I could ever trust with my country, my life, my heart, other than you.” He brought her other hand to his chest, splaying it over his heart, where Zoya knew the star-shaped scar lay. She felt his heartbeat, faster than usual, but no less confident and assured. He was really doing this. Zoya pursed her lips, drawing in a quick breath before changing tactics. “My duty is to Ravka, I can do the best for my country when I am a general in its service, not a queen.” 

“I would never ask you to stop those duties Zoya, you must know that. Your duties as queen would barely differ from what you have been doing for the last three years. You would be the Queen of Ravka as well as the head of the Second Army.” His lips lifted into a small smile, his eyes lightning, “King Nikolai, Commander of the First Army, and Queen Zoya, Commander of the Second Army, fitting titles, are they not?” 

Zoya recoiled, drawing her hand back, clutching it to her own chest. He was serious. There was a light behind his eyes, the stubbornness Zoya knew lay within herself occupied his features now, he was not going to let this go. Zoya knew what she had to do. She only hoped it wasn’t too late. 

Nikolai watched Zoya’s face, he could tell her mind was racing, he knew she felt as he did, she had to see why this would work, why couldn’t she admit to herself that this was what she wanted too? She drew back her shoulders, freeing her hand from his, and he knew the scorpion was about to lash out with it’s tail. She took a step back before turning on him, her shields up, poison ready to tear through him.

“I always knew you’d be a fool and chase after love, but I never would have imagined that you’d be enough of an idiot to pursue me,” she spat out, the any softness melting from her features. Her cheekbones jutted out as she continued, “honestly Nikolai, what do you expect me to say? That I love you? I don’t, you know that as well as I do. That you love me? You’re blinded by my beauty, you are not the first and you certainly won’t be the last. The people will never accept me as Queen, they’ll see me as a heartless temptress witch who lured their precious, golden king into her clutches. You were always going to be king, Nikolai. You should know that people like us don’t get storybook endings with love and happiness and other things used to full childrens’ heads with.” She took in a deep breath, every word out of her mouth tore another hole in her chest, and she knew they could never be fixed. She couldn’t meet his eyes, she knew if she did, she would consider the possibility of what he was saying, and she had to remain strong and push past this, even if he couldn’t. “You will reconcile with Ehri. You will get married. You will have an heir to your throne, and I will watch over this country as I promised. That is how this story ends Nikolai, anything else is impossible.” Zoya staggered back, as if the words had taken everything from her. Her eyes stayed focused on the spot above his shoulder and he knew that she was feeling the sting of tears. He knew he had to convince her. He’d thrown everything away for this. He would not compromise. This was what was best not only for them both, but for Ravka. He had to make her see that.

“Improbable.” Was all he said though, his lips curling into a smile. 

“What?” Zoya blinked, seeming dazed, as if she had expected him to reply with something else. 

“Improbable. When people say impossible, they usually mean improbable. “ Nikolai grasped Zoya’s hands, pulling her towards him, as he prepared to speak again. “Zoya, I know this seems rash, but I can assure you, I’ve thought about this more than you can imagine. My days and nights are filled with you, you follow me to the places no one else can accompany me to, you linger in my dreams, your presence as thunderous as a storm in my mind, your voice curled alongside mine in my head. We stand side by side, day by day, facing everything head on, together. Why can’t it be the same in the future. Take this challenge with me Zoya, headfirst, like we’ve always done.” He brought his hand to her face again, cupping her cool skin, trying to decipher the emotions behind her eyes. 

Zoya felt herself falter. Her fingers came up to her lips as she tried to think rationally. The silly, girlish part of her heart threatened to overtake her senses, to drive her forward, into the future, into her King’s awaiting arms. But she held back. She let the silence stretch between them as his fingers brushed her skin, patiently awaiting her response. It would be so easy to succumb to this, she had wanted this for so long, she had yearned for it. She could not deny that what he said made sense. She could not deny that becoming Queen could solidify all of her dreams, but as much as she could not deny these things, something still held her back. She heard Juris’ voice in her mind again, repeating what he’d said in the fold. ‘You are strong enough to survive the fall.’ 

All she had to do was put her heart out on the line, to surrender to herself, to know that regardless of what happened, she would survive. It was a constant truth, her greatest fear, she would survive longer than her closest friend, her confidant, her clever Nikolai. But she would be able to survive after him, did she not deserve the same happiness granted to Mal and Alina, Genya and David, Tamar and Nadia? Did she not deserve it all as well? Zoya took a deep breath, about to do something she’d never done before, expose her cards, lay her heart out for someone else to take. She trusted him, more than she’d ever trusted anyone else. She knew she loved him, more than she’d loved anyone else. She knew she was strong enough to survive the fall, and maybe that was all that mattered in the end. 

“Nikokai,” she exhaled, her heart pumping, blood roaring in her ears. She was doing this. She was giving into her silly, stubborn, jaded heart. She looked into his brilliant hazel eyes as he carefully wrapped a hand around her waist and pulled her flush against him. 

“Zoya,” he exhaled in return, Nikolai’s heart singing louder than it ever had before. Full of hope, optimism and boyish excitement. He drew his lips towards hers, stopping only a breath away. He felt her heart beat against him, felt the strength inside of her, he knew he was ready to share himself with her, to lay himself bare at her feet, with only the hope that she would too, in time. He looked into her magnificent sapphire eyes, and without another moment of hesitation he let his lips brush hers.

Zoya had never allowed herself to imagine this, the feeling of Nikolai’s arms around her as he drew her in, deepening their kiss and taking her with him. She didn’t know what would happen next, her old doubts still lingered in her mind, but she knew they didn’t matter right now, not while Nikolai gave himself to her in this moment. She knew that they would manage, just as they always had. She knew they were strong enough to survive. So she let herself fall.


End file.
